Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
--Douglas Adams

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
--Samuel Goldwyn

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
--William G. McAdoo

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
--Robert Benchley

Everything that can be invented has been invented. (1899)
--Charles H. Duell

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
--Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
--Mark Twain

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
--Mark Twain

It is by the goodness of God that we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
--Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
--Mark Twain

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
--Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
--Mark Twain

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
--Steven Wright

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
--David Letterman

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
--Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
--Albert Einstein